Managing a Montessori-ish Home with Chronic Pain
When you scroll through social media and look at all the perfectly Montessori environments people create for their infants and toddlers, it can feel completely overwhelming, unapproachable, and, worse, inaccessible. There are a million reasons why recreating those images in our own homes is an unattainable goal, not the least of which being that they’re usually pretty staged to begin with. When you suffer from chronic illness, it feels even harder. Today, I want to share how I make it work while dealing with a few different chronic conditions. I hope that this gives any other parents who are dealing with their own chronic illness some ideas of how to make a Montessori inspired environment work for them.
I don’t usually share a lot about myself on this platform. You’re not here to read about me, you’re here to find inspiration for ways to integrate Montessori principles into your toddler’s life, or you’re here for some shelf inspiration. I get it. I’m one of those who grumbles about having to read someone’s life story when I just want a quick recipe for dinner, knowing full well that they have to hit that thousand word mark in order to rank well on Google.
Chronic Pain
Migraines
I’ve been dealing with migraines since middle school. At their peak, I had an average of 18 migraine days each month. Thankfully I’ve only had a few since Little Guy was born - I was fortunate and pregnancy seemed to really help. However, when I have a migraine, I’m barely able to function. Noisy activities are off the table, and going outside in the bright sunshine is a hard no - in fact, I close most of the curtains and turn off the lights, only letting in the minimum amount of light that I need to see. When a migraine hits, step 1 must be getting to a point where I can function. This means directing my toddler to his play room so that he can play independently within earshot, or, if that’s not happening, putting on a movie. I know, I know, plopping my kid down in front of Ponyo isn’t exactly the most Montessori approach, but you know what? Neither is me feeling like my head is trying to kill me. Sometimes you do what you need to do.
Costochondritis
Another exciting chronic pain issue that I struggle with is a condition called costochondritis. It’s a hard condition to diagnose because it doesn’t pop up on x-rays or blood tests. It’s frequently misdiagnosed as anxiety, and my initial diagnosis was another condition called pleurisy, which is another tough one to diagnose. When I have a costo flare-up, my ribcage hurts, it hurts to take full breaths, and I get bouts of dizziness. This isn’t exactly a recipe for super-mom levels of success. Lifting my heavy toddler can prove challenging, and any sort of physically demanding activities are just not possible. When this happens, we have quiet days at home and focus on shelf work, art, and reading as many books as he wants.
The most important thing to remember with chronic pain is that it’s not your fault, and pushing yourself is only going to make things worse. It’s ok to rest, and throwing on a movie every now and then isn’t going to ruin your little Montessorian’s life.
Mental Health
Depression
Depression is the worst. Mine is decently managed through weekly therapy, but I respond very poorly to antidepressants, so mostly I just muddle through. Depression can make it hard to find the motivation to do anything, which is a real struggle when it comes to developing an engaging, Montessori aligned curriculum filled with beautiful natural materials and DIY materials. For the most part, I just have to do what I can when I can. If I can’t finish all the DIYs I want for next week’s shelf, then I just…don’t. The unit won’t be ruined if the DIYs show up on Wednesday instead of Sunday night when I switch out his materials. If I can’t switch the shelves out Sunday night, whatever, it’s fine. Again, no irreparable harm will be caused by a delay.
Anxiety
What am I worried about? EVERYTHING. I worry, it’s what I do. If I can’t find something to worry about, then I worry that I’m not being vigilant or attentive enough. I frequently just feel an overwhelming sense of dread. When it comes to creating a Montessori inspired environment, this looks like me overthinking and second guessing the contents of my toddler’s shelves, spending an unreasonable amount of time researching the most developmentally appropriate activities, and agonizing over both whether he’s being challenged enough or if my expectations are unreasonable. You might say “no, that’s not anxiety, that’s just being a good mom,” and I assure you, it’s not. When the worrying becomes paralyzing, it’s anxiety. I know because my therapist says so. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming, I remind myself that I’m doing the best I can with the time, knowledge, and skills that I have. Sometimes that helps, but you know, impending sense of doom and all that.
Panic Attacks
These are a real riot. I’ve found that focusing on a specific, monotonous task, like doing the dishes or folding laundry, is really helpful. I also like repetitive games on my phone (the horror), like 2024 or one of those dot games. Also, anxiety medications are very helpful when used in moderation. There is no benefit to having a panic attack, I don’t have to feel that way, and if I can’t come out of it on my own, it’s ok to get some help.
Setting up the Prepared Environment with Parental Limitations in Mind
If you suffer from a chronic illness or mental health condition, you probably already know about it. If you’re struggling with life and you don’t know why, it’s a great idea to see a therapist or talk to your primary care provider about what’s going on. Once you know how and why you struggle, you can set up your child’s environment to accommodate your needs, too. I’ve known about my chronic conditions for years, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve rearranged almost everything in my life that I can in order to accommodate them.
Here are some things to consider as you work on your toddler’s prepared environment:
Independent Play
Can your child access their materials and activities independently?
Is this space safe enough that you can be in the next room rather than directly supervising?
Where is your child’s “yes space?” (Kimmy Manzo has a lovely post detailing how she transformed her child’s playroom into a more Montessori-like space.)
Is there enough variety that something will probably be appealing?
Can you do a quick sweep to remove the noisiest toys? (musical instruments, anything electronic, anything that your kiddo likes to bang)
Can you easily remove the messiest activities? (think about art supplies, playdough, or anything else that you dread cleaning up)
If you need ideas, Maria over at Parent on Board has an excellent blog post about independent play expectations and strategies.
Outdoor Activities
Do you have a safe outdoor space where you can observe without needing to chase your child?
Is any play equipment unsafe for your toddler to be on alone?
Is there poison ivy or a wasp nest? If you can’t chase your child and scoop them up quickly, it might be best to stay inside.
Alternative activities
What films or TV shows are pre-approved? You don’t want to have to read multiple reviews of that latest kids’ movie to see if it’s appropriate for your child if you have a migraine.
Can you call for help? Think relatives, babysitters, or close friends (obviously, COVID restrictions may apply).
What are your child’s absolute favorite activities, and can you pull them out at a moment’s notice?
